Anna Antrilli second daughter, first to break away from ol’school Italian traditions (you know, girls don’t leave their parents ’till they married. Yes, Honey is OG Miss Independent) and travel do what ever the hell she damn well please.

Please don’t take this the wrong way:  “Famiglia e tutto.” 

That means, family is everything: Anna definitely took care of hers. 

Anna never had biological children.  She had niece’s and nephews. She was my second/third mother. Yes, I was “blessed” to have three mothers. My mother, her mother (Nonna), and Anna. 

 Nonna passed when I was 12. 

That really messed me up. Anna had to watch the way I handled her death which was everything besides strong. 

It was bad, I was bad. I definitely inherited Anna’s”fuck around and find out” additude. But a minor with Anna’s fire was TROUBLE.  

Keep this in mind. As I flash back to August 16th:

From here on I’ll be referencing to One phone call https://adaywithnina.com/one-phone-call-😥/, not telling a backstory, sorry: not sorry. 

Ma and her other 2 sisters returned to Anna’s room, and ask me to go to my siblings. 

I’m using my wheelchair, so I can independently go from place to place. 

I go over to Anna to tell her “honey, you’ll  be free soon”, and head down the hall, still wearing my mask thinking:  I need tissues (mask was full of buggies, yes I said it) and to compose myself before I get back to the “kids”. I need to be strong and tell them what’s going on, and what Anna told me a few weeks before her last “bad day”: when I die you need to be strong, keep everyone together and keep it moving. She doesn’t want a funeral, she wants us to have a party, and get fucked up for her.  She doesn’t want us to be sad. 

Shortly after I finish telling DJ and his wife I’m going to need them to plan with me, Anna thought she had more time.  I’m trying so hard to keep it together and explain to them what her last few days home were like and she was ready in a sense. 

A nurse comes to the waiting room to inform the family that the ventilator has been pulled and we’re all allowed to be in the room with her. 

Dom hasn’t gotten back yet, member: he had to run home cause of a grocery delivery. So I sent him a text to inform him to head right back to her room.  

I sat by Anna’s left side and waited for Dom to get back to stand. I didn’t want to ask anyone else to spot me, my standing balance is usually spot on, if I have support. I was holding Anna’s hand, so I was good, I don’t think I need to explain. 

The first time I stood I attempted to give Anna’s forehead a kiss. DJ (kid bro) noticed what I was thinking, and told me”Nina, you better not fall on her.” I gave him a look, sat down, kissed her hand, had a cry, then was back up with DJ by my side. 

I would love to tell you Anna survived, but she couldn’t breath on her own. She tried to hold on for over an hour. We were all telling/begging her to go home to La Masseria with nonna Annina (the farm house in Italy with her grandma) and rest.  

Not trying to get graphic here, but… Someone in respiratory falliour who’s breathing super shallow it’s hard to tell when they have taken their last breath and are truly free. 

Honestly, between me and you once we knew she was gone I had to fight the urge to break down, through myself on the floor and ball like a baby, or run.  Dom tells me I kept my composure till my parents suggested we should leave. 

The car ride home was mostly silent, besides my occasional coughs.  Yes, I nearly smoked a days reaction in 30 minutes.  Dom told me I did talk to him about when he left the hospital and told him I was able to talk to Anna and not get ugly (“ugly cry” wait for it). 

We got home I sat on the porch and drank some red wine, smoked some more weed, did a shot of Henn, got in the shower, put on some DMX and I fuckin lost it. 

The shower has been where I go when I need a good cry. See I don’t cry. It took me almost ten years after my accident to cry again, which was odd: injuries like mine usually make people cry uncontrollably.  I recently had my first cry over all I’ve lost thanks to this TBI recently, like within the past year. 

You know Dom didn’t even see me shed a tear till we were engaged, and at the cemetery and he was having the I’ll take care of your girl talk with my grandparents. He has yet to see me full on snot dripping grabbing my belly as I rock back and forth screaming: ugly cry. He’s heard it twice and he respects that’s what I need. 

This is how I process, Anna has been in heaven 4 Saturdas. Today I’m getting a free bird tatted behind my right ear. 

When you see me moving like a boss, don’t forget who I’ll always have whispering in my ear.